Sitting, staring at the computer on my lap. Music playing in the background, I glance around the room, looking at pictures of you. Waiting for my fingers to start typing. Tap … tap … tapping my finger tips on the edge of the keyboard. I want to write something, I NEED to write something; TODAY. But not just something, not just anything. I need the thoughts in my head and the fragmented feelings of sadness and happiness, confusion and hope to burst from deep within my belly, through my heart, and out of my soul in order to create the words worthy of marking the fifth anniversary of the day you launched into heaven.

And then suddenly, there it is. Three notes in, and I smile. Inspiration from iTunes. My DJ from heaven, you send me a sign.

When it rains it pours and opens doors

That flood the floors we thought would always
Keep us safe and dry

And in the midst of sailing ships
We sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion
That won’t seem to let me go

‘Cause when I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright

And when I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

I talk to you all the time. Mostly at night or on a lazy day alone with my thoughts. I cry. I laugh. I ache. I regret. I pray for forgiveness. I hold on. I let go.

I didn’t want to let you go five years ago. I wanted you to stay. Not as you were then, but as you had been before. My sweet Mama. Before the breaths you took were too hard to take. When life was easier and the weight of your worries was on your shoulders, not on your chest and lungs. I didn’t say everything I had to say. I didn’t thank you enough. I didn’t give you all the love you deserved. All that beautiful love you put out into the world …

And when the air hung heavy on you and words should have been easier for me to speak than they were for you, I shut down.

And every word I didn’t say
Caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor, we didn’t have before

And every sunset that we’ll miss
I’ll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

And while I float upon this ocean
I can feel you like a notion
That I hope will never leave

‘Cause when I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright

And when I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way

“Pick yourself up, brush yourself off , and start all over again.” When I was a little girl you’d sing those words to me when I fell and hurt myself. As I got older, you’d sing them to me to remind me to move on after my mistakes, to forgive and let go. More than thirty years later … and I’m starting to learn.

Whether I’m up or down or in or out
Or just plain overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly

But with you I can spread my wings
To see me over everything
That life may send me when I am hoping it won’t pass me by

“Be good to one another.” Some of the last words you spoke to me. I tried not to cry as I spoke softly to you during those last hours you were alert and here with us in this earthly world. I didn’t want anyone else to hear me. “I’m sorry for shutting down, Mama. I’m sorry for being so mean. I was just scared.”

You forgave me.

And when I feel like there is no one
That will ever know me
There you are to show me

When I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright

And when I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

You always make everything alright. I can always – eventually –  find my way through this crazy world and all it brings.

Because I know that you are here, always; through the lessons you taught me, your legacy of loving-kindness and the unique imprint of a mother’s love that you left on my heart connecting us forever.

And every once in a while, just when I need it, you send me those signs; a song, a ship, a butterfly. Something tells me you’re here with me.

(Lyrics from “When I Look to the Sky”  by Train)